Choosing to Let Go
by brokentallahassee
Summary: Emma's first few moments with her newborn son (Henry) and having to give him up. (all 3 chapters are posted)
1. Choices

"Ms. Swan? Ms. Swan?" a nurse asked, walking up to Emma's bedside.

She did not register the woman's voice or even that she was speaking. All she could think about was the pain she was in and the feeling that her unborn child was trying to kick his or her way out of her.

"Ms. Swan? Is there anyone I can call for you? Someone you might want to be here?"

It took what seemed like an eternity for Emma to answer, but she finally managed to utter the word "No".

She truly had no one who cared where she was or what she was doing. No one had cared about her in a long time. She had almost always been on her own and this baby wasn't going to change that. She couldn't keep him or her, she knew that for sure. The baby needed parents. It needed a family, not some 18 year old girl who had never taken care of anyone but herself. That did not mean it didn't hurt her. She wished she could know the baby, Emma wished she had what it took to be a mom, but she didn't. She was just a teenager and the baby's father wasn't even in the picture anymore. Part of Emma felt like Neal would have wanted to be a father, he would've wanted them to be a family. But there was also the part where he had left her, he did not show up when he was supposed to, which to Emma meant that, like everyone else, he didn't want her.

She tried not to focus on the bad stuff; how scared she was, the fact that her unborn baby's future was unknown. Emma's only focus at this point was having a healthy baby, a baby that could hopefully make some family really happy. Her biggest wish for her child was that he or she wouldn't grow up alone and abandoned like she had been. That was all she could hope for.

"Hello, Emma." The doctor said as he walked into her room, "Are you ready to have baby?"

She knew he meant give birth, but all she could feel was judgment. She felt like the world was staring at her and calling her a horrible person because she was a knocked up 18 year old girl serving jail time (for a crime that she did not commit).

Emma nodded, feeling pain shoot through her whole body. She felt like she was going to burst into tears at any moment. She couldn't do this. She couldn't have a baby. She couldn't give her baby to some strangers that she would probably never meet. How would she know if they loved her child? Would they make good parents? Or would they be like the countless families that took her in, got to know her, then turned her away? The only thing she knew for sure was that she could not raise a baby on her own.

"Let's get started then, shall we?" her doctor asked.

What seemed like an eternity long blur lasted only minutes. She was in so much pain and then she wasn't.

The doctor stood up holding a tiny baby and watched the tears streaming down Emma's face.

"It's a boy." he announced, attempting to hand the baby to Emma. She shook her head, sobbing. If she held him it would be that much harder to let him go.

She tried to hide her heartbreak while watching the nurses clean the baby up. He was strong, she observed, watching him fight the nurses. He reminded her of herself, already fending for himself. A few times she felt like he was watching her, his little eyes peering around the nurses and doctors.


	2. All He Has

Soon most of the doctors had left the room and it was just Emma, the nurse who had helped her a lot throughout the day, and her son. _Her son. _Could she really call him that? She was his _mother _but she unfortunately wouldn't be the one he would call "mommy"and cry for when he had a nightmare or he just needed her. Would he ever need her? Looking at him laying a few feet away in the bassinet, Emma wished he might need her someday. She hoped someday, when he was old enough, he would understand why she gave him up.

"Do you want to hold him?" the nurse asked, pulling Emma away from the thousands of questions piled in her mind.

"No, no. I can't." Emma said. "As badly as I want to…he's not mine. Holding him will make it even harder to give him away."

The nurse nodded. "I understand. But, here's the thing, at this very moment, he is your baby. No one's taking him away from you. He has no one else."

In this moment Emma realized that her son probably felt the way she had felt for so much of her life. He probably felt alone, like no one loved him. Right now, whether she kept him or not, she was all he had and he had no idea how much she loved him. She loved him enough to give him away; to give him what she thought was best, so that meant she loved him enough to hold him despite all the heartbreak it would cause her.

"Here, bring him to me." Emma whispered, reaching for the baby. Her nurse lifted him from his little bassinet and carried him over to his mother.

Emma took the baby, who grunted as he was handed to her. Her baby fit in her arms like he was the missing piece to the puzzle called her life. It was like magic. Her heart was crushed as she looked into his soft eyes; no doubt they and the small amount of soft, dark hair on his head came from Neal. A small tear fell from her eye as she leaned down and softly pressed her lips against her son's forehead. She breathed in the scent of his head and tried not to break down.

"Hey, kid." Emma whispered as her son stared up at her, his eyes full of wonder. In her whole life, she had never felt so loved.

"You know, he still needs a name." the nurse said. Smiling as she watched mother and son meet for the very first time.

"I can't. His parents, whoever they happen to be, should be the one to give him his name."

"Legally, I'm not allowed to pry, but you have other options, Emma. You don't have to let him go."

"I do. I have to let him go. Whether I'm in jail or not, even when I get out, I don't have a way to provide for him. All I have is an old car. He deserves more than that. My son deserves a family and I can't give him that. Hell, I don't know where his dad ran off to. He doesn't even know he is a father. I just want him to have the best life possible. I want him to have what I never had."


	3. Your Best Chance

Two days later, Emma's release day came. She'd be leaving the hospital and have to finish up her last few months in jail. She already knew she had to go back, she'd planned on it, she'd known it throughout her entire pregnancy. That wasn't going to be the hard part. Just a few minutes from now her son was going to be taken by social services, who had a family lined up for him. She didn't want to say goodbye but she loved her baby enough to walk away. She had the thought in the back of her head that maybe, someday, if it was meant to be, he would find her again. The way he had found her the minute she saw him. He gave her hope, he gave her something to believe in, some possible confirmation that love did exist.

"Ms. Swan?" a woman said coming into the room, "My name is Olivia Anderson. I'm here to take the baby."

Emma nodded, glancing over at her son lying in his bassinet. Her heart was ready to shatter into a million pieces.

"I have some things to go over with you. Is that alright?"

"Yes, that's fine."

"Okay, let's get started, shall we? First off, I wanted to reassure you that we've found the infant a great home."

"Can you tell me anything about them? The parents, I mean. Do they have other children? Do they have time for him?"

"That's what I wanted to talk about next." Ms. Anderson answered. "The thing is, you've agreed to a closed adoption, meaning you are giving up 100% of your parental rights. You don't get to know anything about his new life."

Emma was sure her mouth dropped open. She wasn't allowed to know _anything_? The last thing she wanted was for that innocent little boy to grow up all alone and unloved like she had.

Emma closed her eyes and nodded, attempting to trust the social worker in front of her who was convinced the baby was going to a good home. "I just want to know if he'll be loved."

"Yes, I can assure you, he will."

The woman continued asking her questions; things like who the baby's father was, if Emma had any medical conditions, and if she was absolutely sure she was ready to give her son up. She gave Emma a few papers to sign; relinquishing her rights and agreeing never contact the child. She couldn't breathe as she pressed the pen to the paper and scribbled her signature. This was it. He was someone else's now.

"Thank you," Ms. Anderson said, taking the papers from Emma once she had signed them. "We should be on our way now."

She walked over to the bassinet that held a tiny infant swaddled in a baby blue blanket. Gently, she picked him up and carried him over to the baby seat she had brought in with her. He grunted as he set her down, fighting with all his might not to be strapped into the confinements of the carrier.

"Wait-", Emma said. The woman paused, holding the baby over the seat. "Can I say goodbye?"

The woman seemed slightly impatient, but she carried the baby over to Emma, who took him willingly.

"I'll give you two minutes, then we must be leaving."

Emma nodded as the woman quickly backed away towards the door. She looked down into the baby's deep eyes and knew why she had to let him go.

"Hey, kid." Emma said, her voice cracking as the tears began to fall down her face, "So, I know you don't understand this now, and you may not even understand it when you're my age, eighteen years from now, but I have to do this. You know?"

The baby whimpered in her arms and she could barely hold it together as he looked up at her like she was the only person that mattered in the world.

"I wish I could know you, teach you to walk and talk, but I can't. You deserve a family, someone who can take care of you. I want you to have what I didn't. I want you to have what I can't give you. I'm not cut out to be responsible for someone else's life. I hope someday you might understand why I have to do this, why I have to let you go."

She was nearly choking on her tears at this moment, the little life she held in her arms was one of the only people who had ever torn down the tough walls she had built up over the years.

Emma attempted to blink the tears away then whispered what she believed would be the last words she ever said to her son, "I have to give you your best chance."


End file.
